Romance and Vetting the Significant Other

Not my idea but something published by the Indianapolis Business Journal's NewsTalk blog:

Vetting your sweetheart

With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, a Purdue University expert recommends the marriage-minded conduct some pragmatic due diligence before engagement rings find their way onto fingers.

It’s widely known that financial problems undermine many a marriage. To that end, Sharon Burns, an associate professor of consumer sciences and retailing, suggests looking for bad habits before they wreak havoc. Not easy to do during such a passionate time, maybe, but still wise. Here they are:

--Your sweetheart has borrowed lots of money from you once or has borrowed from you more than once. This can signal they’re living above their means or managing money poorly.

--He or she buys lots of the latest clothes, gadgets, cars and other luxuries. Big spending can reveal their needing a crutch to make them feel better and, ultimately, personal insecurity or lack of discipline.

--Your love needs financial help from family or friends. “Mature adults support themselves,” Burns says.

--They pay for normal living expenses with credit cards and then don’t pay the bill in full at the end of the month, a “sure sign of disaster ahead."

--They can’t hold down a job. In a normal economy, you should wonder if they’re lazy or lack self discipline.

Which leaves me wondering if the old idea of courtship doesn't have something over dating? After all, if one has been courting (or long term dating) how can one fail to notice that the significant other has problems holding down a job?

Which then leads me to wonder if the divorce rate's climbing numbers has less to do with some ill-defined ease of getting a divorce and more with the parties being less well-prepared for marriage.

And I will leave you with this last thought: the law can do a lot but society can do even more.

Some English Marriage and Divorce History

The following is from the Times (London) Literary Supplement's review of The English Marriage by Maureen Waller. I thought it might be sof some interest.

Meanwhile, common law disregarded all that gothic canon law and refused to confer the usual marital property rights on couples who had not gone through a public church ceremony. The state had a vested interest in the proper procedures too, mooting a tax on marriages in the 1690s and levying a stiff stamp duty on marriage licences. Above all, rich parents believed they had the right to dispose their offspring as they saw fit and as rank, blood and inheritance demanded. The rage of property owners when errant daughters eloped with penniless adventurers helped to fuel the passing of Hardwicke’s Marriage Act in 1753, which made the marriages of those under twenty-one illegal without the consent of their guardians.

The Act legislated that only a marriage in the parish church of one of the lovers performed by an ordained priest of the Church of England was valid. Jews and Quakers were exempt, but not Nonconformists, who had to swallow their denominational pride or be seen to live in sin. Famously, the Act had no purchase in Scotland, and inadvertently sparked a panting rush for the border to the accommodating vicars of Gretna Green. But it would be decades before older ideas of informal marriage would be stamped out entirely in England.

E-Marriage - Coming Trend

MLive.com published MSU law profs say e-marriages expand couple's rights raises all kind of issues about citizenship and federalism to make me categorize this as a pipe-dream but maybe not.

A Boston couple wanting to wed under Louisiana's covenant marriage law, or two New Orleans women seeking to wed in Massachusetts should be able to do so without leaving home, two law professors say.

Michigan State University's Adam Candeub and Mae Kuykendall have started the Legal E-Marriage Project, a clearinghouse for legislative proposals to establish "e-marriages."

"According to the team, the proposal refutes suggestions the state should get out of the marriage business and has the potential to alter the landscape of marriage culture wars," Michigan State law school spokeswoman Katie Gallagher wrote on the school's Web site.

Candeub and Kuykendall said states should let couples marry under the laws of whatever place they chose.

File this as one my less practical posts.

More About Community Property and Common-Law Property

I found Questions and Answers about Property Ownership During Marriage in Missouri written by Professor Barbara Glesner Fines of the University of Missouri - Kansas City School of Law which does a very good of explaining the differences between community property and common law property states (Indiana is in the latter).

For a California perspective, you might want to read 'Community property' can have a very broad meaning, especially here in California. from Orange County Divorce Lawyer Blog.

My own explanation is here.

Stories like California Court Rules that, When a Child Support Obligor Remarries, in connection with a Motion to Modify the Court Should Consider 50% of the Income from Community Property Assets make very happy not to be in a community property state.

Prenuptial Agreements - Talking About Money Before the Marriage

Take a good look at what the New York Times published in its Your Money column under

- Four Talks About Money to Have Before Marriage. No one wants to think of anything but romance before marriage but money or its lack will tell.  As the fellow sang, it takes money to get along. Think about this and how it is meant to prevent problems in the marriage

What follows is a list of four financial issues that ought to be near the top of the discussion list before getting married. Please add to the list in the comments of the online version of this article.

ANCESTRY When Lisa J. B. Peterson started her Boston-based financial planning firm, Lantern Financial, she knew she wanted to focus her practice on young professionals. She quickly realized that many of them could use premarital financial counseling and built a program called Harmoney around their needs.

One of the first things she asks clients about is what she refers to as their financial ancestry. “It’s looking back at your own personal past,” she says. “How did your parents deal with money, how does that impact how you deal with it, and how might that impact the couple’s relationship?”

Because so many of our money behaviors are learned, she asks couples to share their earliest money memories — whether their father hid money from their mother or how either parent fretted over the funds available. This can be a particularly intense discussion for people whose parents were divorced, and the stories are sometimes accompanied by tears. “Money is so emotional, and people forget that,” Ms. Peterson says. “You think that it’s just numbers.”

CREDIT While it’s about the least romantic subject imaginable, your credit history holds a chunk of your permanent financial record. It follows naturally from the ancestry conversation, and Lantern Financial pulls credit reports and scores for its clients.

Molly Milinazzo and Scott Donovan, an engaged couple who live in the Dorchester section of Boston and are both 24 years old, were relieved to discover that their scores were within about 15 points of one another when they went through the Harmoney program in May. “A lot of people end up surprised, and it’s best to keep those kinds of surprises at bay,” Ms. Milinazzo says.

Full disclosure on the credit front is useful for two reasons. First, a credit report is, in part, a catalog of past mistakes and overall habits — loan payments you missed or department store credit cards you didn’t really need. That in itself is a good starting point for a discussion about what you’ve learned (or still need to learn) about handling money.

There’s an immediate practical side to this, too. If there are errors or low credit scores that a couple can improve, there may still be time to make the fixes so that the couple can get the best rates on a loan for their first home a year or two later.

CONTROL Figuring out who will pay the bills each month may not seem to be an important conversation or assignment. But it gets tricky when both people want to take it on. “People understand that in a relationship, money is control,” says Jeff Kostis, a financial planner in Vernon Hills, Ill., who walks engaged couples and newlyweds through a checklist of questions. “If you’re not paying the bills, you don’t know where the money is going, and you feel like ‘He doesn’t want me to go out with my friends’ or ‘She doesn’t want me to play in the fantasy football pool.’ ”

For two people who have both been on their own for a while and don’t want to give up doing the monthly financial chores their own way, Mr. Kostis suggests, at a minimum, regular household meetings complete with Quicken or other spreadsheets so that the person writing the checks can keep the other one up to speed. With more stubborn couples, he might suggest handing the controls back and forth at the beginning of each year.

Mr. Kuhlman, who explains the counseling approach he and his wife take with clients at stayhitched.com, says it shouldn’t be surprising that control issues come up constantly when talking about money. “It’s concrete, you can see it,” he says. “It’s not ephemeral or less measurable, like affection.”

A few things that he suggests couples discuss early on: If one person is making most or all of the money, does that person get to make most or all of the financial decisions? If you’re the car aficionado or have researched all of the local school options for the children, do you get to make the decisions about those things? “These are the kinds of things that don’t come out when you’re dating,” he says.

AFFLUENCE Here’s another question that tends not to come up during courtship: Just how rich do we want to be one day? Mr. Kuhlman refers to this more politely as the “desired level of affluence.” “Are our career paths going to be something that pulls us together? Or, more often, are they things that will tend to pull us apart, where we’ll really have to be proactive to make sure it’s under control?” he says.

Mr. Kostis might put it a bit more bluntly, say to a spouse of an aspiring investment banker or corporate lawyer: Are you O.K. with acting essentially as a single parent, with your partner working 80 hours a week until the age of 80? “Not that there is a right or wrong answer,” he says. “It’s just about understanding, going into the marriage, what that would really mean.”

Marriage Contracts and Pre-nups

I offer a bit of exotica from Relationship Reality Why marriage contracts are good for both spouses. Unless you are familiar with Robert Heinlein's science fiction or is a Libertarian, I doubt many Americans think about marriage contracts.  Hence, my calling this exotica:

A marriage contract is more detailed than a pre-nup in terms of what is expected from each party. It addresses specifics such as financially supporting a spouse who wants to further his or her education after marriage, the decision whether or not to have children, the responsibility of jointly incurred bills, and the detailed duties of both husband and wife, including the subject of sexual rights. These are just some of the many issues you will find in a marital contract. You decide what to put into it. It is a legally binding document of what each person will bring to the marriage table and what she or he expects from the other.

Marriage contracts have a distinct place in history; similar to a contract drawn up by the professional matchmakers of the Middle Ages, they are believed to have been originated by the Egyptians over two thousand years ago. There are some interesting ones that deal with privacy and scheduled intimacy.

One of the more interesting contracts was one drawn up between Jackie and Aristotle Onassis. Their contract had one hundred seventy issues outlined. Allegedly, sex was something that had to be scheduled like an appointment, with a twenty-four hour pre-request. Living arrangements were also explicit. Separate residences for each spouse on the Greek island of Skorpios, as well as staying at different hotels when on vacation, were negotiated into the contract.

It seems the idea got kicked around in Germany a few years back.

Remember, if you want more information about retaining me for a case, please give me a call at 765-641-7906.

Debts and Marriage- Think You Are Liable for a Spouse's Debts?

I have no idea why people think that marriage automatically creates liability for the other spouse's debts.  I really like the article Is a Prenup Right for Me? until I reached this:

Third, if your fiance has a large amount of debt, you would not want to become legally liable for it. While this may sound cruel, we feel that we all need to accept responsibility for our choices in life.

I cannot imagine a premarital debt that creates liability post-marriage without a voluntary act by the other party.   But people still think the act of marriage by itself creates liability for debt.

There are plenty of reasons for the a prenuptial agreement (and the article has them) but this is not one of them.

Some Comforting Marital Stats From The New York Times

Marriage Stands Up for Itself:

"Yet if recent research is any guide, the marriage itself has a chance to outlast all of it, the public leer and the private sting, by many years."

***

Despite strong social riptides working against it — the liberalization of divorce laws, the vanishing stigma of divorce, the continual online temptations of social sites like MySpace or Facebook — the marriage bond is far stronger in 21st-century America than many may assume. Infidelity is one of the most common reasons cited by people who divorce. But surveys find the majority of people who discover a cheating spouse remain married to that person for years afterward. Many millions more shrug off, or work through, strong suspicions or evidence of infidelity. And recent trends in marriage suggest that the institution itself has become more resilient in recent years, not less so.

***

Temptation stalks even close marriages, as researchers have had no trouble documenting it. In one survey, psychologists at the University of Vermont asked 349 men and women in committed relationships about sexual fantasies. Fully 98 percent of the men and 80 percent of the women reported having imagined a sexual encounter with someone other than their partner at least once in the previous two months. The longer couples were together, the more likely both partners were to report such fantasies.

In another study, psychologists at the University of Washington and the University of North Carolina reported that married men and women who called their relationship with their spouse “pretty happy” were twice as likely to cheat as those who said their relationship was “very happy.” But perhaps the strongest risk factor for infidelity, researchers have found, exists not inside the marriage but outside: opportunity.

***

The story is different for more-recently married couples. A comparison of 10-year divorce rates among college-educated men married in the 1970s, 1980s and 1990s shows that divorce is becoming less common, said Dr. Stevenson, the Wharton researcher. Among men who married in the 1970s, for example, about 23 percent had divorced by the 10th year of marriage. Among similar men married in the 1980s, about 20 percent had divorced by the 10th year. Men married in the 1990s are doing even better — with a 10-year divorce rate of 16 percent.

Family Law Prof Blog also noted this article here.

Legal Separation, Again

What to do when the client will have a large child support order, a maintenance order, and an upside down mortgage, but whose marriage is on the ropes? Add that spouse wants to return to school.

It helps that the client and spouse can live together.

Legal separation gives us the opportunity to avoid both the support and maintenance orders - client remains in the home avoids this.

By remaining in the home, client saves the cost of a new residence.

By remaining the home, the spouse has support to go back to school.

At the end of the year and if the situation has not improved between them, the client can file for dissolution of marriage.

All this could be tied together in a separation/post-nuptial agreement.

While from Scotland's Sunday Herald, The cost of living like this points out the flexibility available to married couples. I am only suggesting another.

Top five problems leading to divorce

Dick Price caught a post from Alabama Family Law Blog, and Marriage Advice from a Divorce Lawyer? s well worth reposting again:

"Here, in my experience, are the top five problems that contribute to divorce:

"1. Money – Whether it is differences in values about money, issues about control of the money or financial pressures that put a strain on the relationship, money issues often lead to divorce. Best to get on the same page early, be fair about how the money is controlled, and attempt to understand and accommodate your spouse’s views on money.

"2. Communication – I will often have a client of mine that is going through divorce tell me that they love their spouse, they are just no longer in love with them. I’m not sure exactly what that means. But, typically it is a sign that the couple quit having meaningful communication with one another some time ago. Communicate deeply and often with your spouse.

"3. Lack of Commitment – I don’t intend to get on my soapbox about this issue, but it is hard to dispute that our nation no longer has the same view of marriage we once did. Sometimes a divorce is the only option, but quite frequently (particularly with younger couples, it seems) I will see one or the other spouse who really cannot express a good reason why they want the divorce. One divorce lawyer I know comments on how the threshold on what it takes to get someone to pull the trigger on divorce has decreased dramatically in the past twenty years. Perhaps it has something about how self absorbed and tied to instant gratification we have become. It will keep divorce lawyers in business, but it is sad for us as a nation.

"4. Physical Addictions – Thankfully they occur in the minority of cases that I see. But, when they do, they are quite tragic. Whether it is alcohol, illegal drugs or prescription drugs, the effects of addiction can obviously be devastating. The best advice is to intervene early and get professional help.

"5. Sex – Of course, sexual problems frequently lead to divorce as well. But, their effect is probably overestimated. Generally speaking infidelity is a sign of other problems in the marriage, not the original problem. Increasingly, however, I am seeing the internet playing a role in these cases. Whether it is pornographic websites or the ability to meet others anonymously and easily online, the internet provides new snares for a relationship that did not previously exist.

"Despite the fact that I help my clients navigate their way through divorce, I do not encourage divorce. Hopefully this advice will help some

Following up on Iowa Legalizes Same-Sex Marriage and News for Indiana

Another Indiana lawyer writing on the Iowa same-sex case - Iowa's impact on Indiana: my heart versus my head.

"In dealing with Indiana’s marriage laws, our courts have said that so long as there is any plausible reason for treating similar classes of people differently, they’ll rubber stamp it and go out for coffee even if they think the legislature didn’t have that reason anywhere in mind when the law was enacted."

I could go on and on here, and probably will later on, but for now, when you begin to read and hear the noisy chorus of people insisting that Indiana needs an amendment because “unelected activist judge” disease is just one state away from Hoosierland, remember this: Every state is different when it comes to interpreting its constitution . Remember not too long ago when our opponents were making distinctions between Michigan/Ohio decisions and what Indiana would do concerning things like domestic partnerships/domestic violence under different amendment language? They can’t have both sides of the same argument…..but of course that doesn’t deter them from trying.

Some Humor and Some Seriousness About Marriage

10 arguments you must have before getting married livened up my morning. Far too long for an easy summary, just read them all.

Iowa Legalizes Same-Sex Marriage and News for Indiana

I suspect those who have been paying attention know that Iowa declared banning same-sex marriage unconstitutional but just in case you have not here is Iowa Legalizes Same-Sex Marriage from The Washington Post:

"The strongly worded decision by all seven justices of Iowa's Supreme Court moves the issue away from more liberal coastal states, where most of the legal and legislative action aimed at overturning bans on same-sex marriage has taken place. While Iowa is home to many conservative Christians and evangelicals, the decision adds to a strong liberal streak that has spawned politically progressive movements.

'Iowa really does have a very impressive visionary history when it comes to civil rights, from desegregation to public accommodation to the rights of women,' said Ben Stone, executive director of the American Civil Liberties Union of Iowa."

Considering how political this issue has been made of this issue, you may want to read Iowa, Same Sex Marriage and the 2012 Presidential Race (also from The Washington Post).

Those interested in the law should read the court's opinion here. I have not been reading the opinion to study it but I like the writer's style. The opinion does a very good job of explaining constitutional law, especially state constitutional law, and does a far better job of reasoning than does Indiana's opinion on the same subject. Finally, yes, there is a connection to Indiana family law. The following language comes from the Iowa opinion and Indiana has similar language in its state constitution:

B. Legal Tests to Gauge Equal Protection. The foundational principle of equal protection is expressed in article I, section 6 of the Iowa Constitution, which provides: “All laws of a general nature shall have a uniform operation; the general assembly shall not grant to any citizen or class of citizens, privileges or immunities, which, upon the same terms shall not equally belong to all citizens.” See also Iowa Const. art. I, § 1 (“All men and women are, by nature, free and equal . . . .”); id. art. I, § 2 (recognizing “[a]ll political power is inherent in the people” and “[g]overnment is instituted for the protection, security, and benefit of the people”).

Remember, if you want more information about retaining me for a case, please give me a call at 765-641-7906.

Webster Definition of Marriage Has Changed

The ABA Journal reports Webster Makes It Official: Definition of Marriage Has Changed :

According to Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, it is also defined as "the state of being united to a person of the same sex in a relationship like that of a traditional marriage," reports the Adjunct Law Prof Blog in a post today. (Others had also noted the change earlier, as a trail of hat-tips makes clear.)

***

Apparently, however, it wasn't the final holdout. The Oxford English Dictionary, regarded by some as the Bible of English word definition, this month added a secondary definition of marriage in a draft version.

Marriage Quality and Having Children

I am reading Till Children Do Us Part online at The New York Times and thinking this is interesting but I was not sure whether to post or not. What got me the most was that marriage with kids is difficult and there is no one path to success.

"HALF a century ago, the conventional wisdom was that having
a child was the surest way to build a happy marriage. Women’s magazines of that era promised that almost any marital problem could be resolved by embarking on parenthood. Once a child arrives, “we don’t worry about this couple any more,” an editor at Better Homes and Gardens enthused in 1944. “There are three in that family now. ... Perhaps there is not much more needed in a recipe for happiness.”"

***

Over the past two decades, however, many researchers have concluded that three’s a crowd when it comes to marital satisfaction. More than
25 separate studies have established that marital quality drops, often quite steeply, after the transition to parenthood. And forget the “empty nest” syndrome: when the children leave home, couples report an increase in marital happiness.

But does the arrival of children doom couples to a less satisfying marriage? Not necessarily. Two researchers at the University of California at Berkeley, Philip and Carolyn Cowan, report in a forthcoming briefing paper for the Council on Contemporary Families that most studies finding a large drop in marital quality after childbirth do not consider the very different routes that couples travel toward parenthood.

***

The Cowans found that the average drop in marital satisfaction was
almost entirely accounted for by the couples who slid into being parents, disagreed over it or were ambivalent about it. Couples who planned or equally welcomed the conception were likely to maintain or even increase their marital satisfaction after the child was born.

***

When the Cowans designed programs to help couples resolve these
differences, they had fewer conflicts and higher marital quality. And the children did better socially and academically because their parents were happier. But keeping a marriage vibrant is a never-ending job.
Deciding together to have a child and sharing in child-rearing do not immunize a marriage. Indeed, collaborative couples can face other problems. They often embark on such an intense style of parenting that they end up paying less attention to each other.

Thoughts on late marriages from New Hampshire Magazine

New Hampshire Magazine's Late Life Loving asks some good questions and gives some good ideas on late-in-life marriages:

What about the children? Are the children and grandchildren in support of our relationship? They may be thrilled for Mom’s or Dad’s happiness. But sometimes one’s children are possessive of your time and attention. They may worry that a parent is taking on a potential burden of an older spouse’s unexpected illness. They may be embarrassed by the new romance. I recently heard two sisters say, “How can you do this to the memory of our mother — she’s been gone just a year?” I understood, but I also realized that their father is 79 years old and may well be feeling the pressure of time.

Who owns what? In a common property state, assets acquired during the marriage remain the property of the individual who acquired the asset. But there will likely be other financial issues to resolve. One significant concern may be to assure that the inheritance for one’s children is protected. Couples who choose to marry should consider a prenuptial agreement and estate planning."

If you would like to discuss prenuptial agreements or estate planning, please give me a call.

Prenuptial Agreements - Great Quote

I generally do not think to use material from advice columns. I am today because this is a great quote, great advice. The following comes from the Boston Herald's Prenup deal has familiar ring to it:

"Marriage is about love. It’s also the start of a partnership. Get the prenuptial agreement signed before you get engaged. That way, if someday you are visiting Divorce City, no one can claim the agreement shouldn’t be enforced because it was signed under undue pressure - not that such an argument would prevail."

What Women Want for Christmas

I found Christmas and Divorce: What Women Want at Marilyn Stowe's blog. Some good points I took away from the article:

"I do not doubt that in the run up to Christmas, in the gloom of the wet winter and with the season’s commercial pressures piling on, the prospect of Christmas can be so depressing that it can drive women to consider divorce. They struggle on as best they can, with housework and other chores, while holding down jobs and raising children. Eventually, they collapse under all the pressure and divorce.

Oddly enough, I am seeing a small flurry of women calling about divorces this year. I will need to wait and see where if they actually file or not. The political and economic and financial news being so glum, it is reflected (seemingly) everywhere.

The divorce rate remains high and politicians wring their hands in despair, failing to comprehend that family breakdown is not fuelled by the divorce law, but by our lifestyles."

I chewed that over. Over here, I hear fewer and fewer politicians trying to make points over our divorce rate. Maybe because the economic crisis looks overwhelms everything else. However, I think we ought to take note of what she describes as the cause of divorces. Which the sheer stress of the holiday season increases. Yes, I think she makes a great point.

If the thought of Christmas is stressing you out or if your wife is threatening divorce, and it is possible to do something practical that will relieve pressure and save someone’s sanity at this time of the year - please, do it!

I can’t guarantee that it will make everything perfect, but it can make Christmas more enjoyable for everyone. And the cost is much, much, cheaper than a divorce.

Think about it. Yes, men get stressed out this time of the year, too. I feel the stress myself - after all I live with a seven year old who has memorized the commercials.

Kiplinger's on Marriage and Money

What causes more problems in a relationship? Money. So take a good look at the article.

Not so fast. You'll have a much better shot at a fairy-tale ending if you take a little time at the beginning to sit down and talk about money. It may not sound like the most romantic topic, and many couples even consider it taboo. "Money is the biggest loaded piece of information you can talk about, bigger even than sex," says Peg Downey, a financial planner and partner at Money Plans, in Silver Spring, Md.

The article points out a good reason to get a pre-nup but goes beyond to give good advice on its subject.

More Love and Money

This version comes from The New York Times' The Key to Wedded Bliss? Money Matters. My excerpts:

"TALK AND SHARE GOALS Before walking down the aisle, couples should have a talk about their financial health and goals. They should ask each other tough questions: Do we want children? When? Who will care for them? Will they go to public or private school? What kind of life do we want? When will we retire?"

RUN A HOME LIKE A BUSINESS Make a budget and keep track of earnings, expenses and debts. And structure your business as a partnership; when it comes to making big financial decisions and setting goals, do it together. “When they are making the decisions together, they really have ownership of those decisions and any results of those decisions,” said Mary Ann Sisco, national wealth adviser at JPMorgan’s private wealth management division. “Even if you have negative results, you tend to weather the storm better.”

BE SUPPORTIVE OF CAREERS Having a supportive partner helps you professionally, which should trickle down to your mutual bottom line. “Marrying the right person helps you succeed in your career through encouragement and support, the only kind of support that comes through a supportive, intimate relationship,” said Mr. Gundlach, whose wife backed his decision to start a management consulting practice after 22 years as a human resources executive.

ENJOY, BUT WITHIN REASON Create a cash cushion, and live a lifestyle you can sustain. Many people who were working at hedge funds that went bust or financial firms like Bear Stearns are learning these lessons now. Ms. Sisco, of JPMorgan, said that because her younger clients haven’t experienced a downturn, they assumed the money would keep pouring in.

USE A MEDIATOR Perhaps both of you have strong yet divergent opinions about how to invest. Or maybe you are a saver while your spouse prefers to hand over a big piece of earnings to Bavarian Motor Works. An independent third party, whether a financial planner or a therapist, can help you find a middle ground.

MAINTAIN SOME INDEPENDENCE Pooling resources is important, but so is maintaining a degree of financial independence. Carve out some money for both partners to spend on things that make them happy. And when paring back, it’s essential that each person make sacrifices.

INVEST IN YOUR MARRIAGE Spend it — time and money — together. Go on dates. “What that does is enliven the marital foundation,” said Gary S. Shunk, a Chicago therapist who specializes in wealth issues. “It’s a kind of investment into the heart and soul of the relationship.”